Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council hate group is veering dangerously close to Porno Pete Land when it comes to yakking melodramatically about things that don’t matter. Like candy. Yes, you see, the latest way that Fundamentalists are Professional Victims has to do with the brutality inflicted by Mike & Ike:

These days, you can’t get a sugar high without experiencing a cultural low.

Not clever.

Hello, I’m Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council in Washington, D.C. There’s trouble in candy land.

Still not clever.

After more than 70 years together, Mike & Ike are calling it quits. The duo is staging a gay divorce as part of a new ad campaign to draw in younger customers.

They should stay together! Do vows mean nothing?!

In this society, even candy has an agenda! From Facebook to Tumblr, the fruity pair

Even Tony knows he’s phoning it in right now.

says, “The rumors are true. We just couldn’t agree on stuff anymore.” Starting this summer, the company will spend $15 million on billboards and TV commercials that poke fun at the breakup. It’s just another subtle example of society chipping away at the value of marriage.

Because candy is getting divorced.

And I don’t know what’s more disturbing–that advertisers think divorce appeals to kids

Maybe they’re just being silly.

or that sexualizing candy

“Sexualizing candy.” Tony Perkins (or one of his minions) typed “sexualizing candy.”

will make people buy more. After a year-long build-up, the company will reveal if the couple reconciles. Until then, look for Mike & Ike to have a distinctly liberal flavor.

And if they stay together, they’ll be gay, still married married, and, er, conservative?

This has been Tony Perkins Dramatically Yelling At A Snack Machine.