Grabbing heterosexuality by the ballsOmighaa, you guys, this guy is totally not gay anymore, and he’s going to tell you all about it!

Choire Sicha posted this at The Awl with the description, “Former Gay Speaks (Well, Lisps) Against Gayness…WHILE WEARING AN ASCOT.”

Yes, Choire, yes, he does.

In case you can’t watch it, here is a live-blog:

0-0:30: He talks like Jan Hooks’ character on SNL in that sketch about Southern women where they would repeat “Oh, that’s greeeeat. She’s GREEEAT, oh, that’s GREEEEEEEAT!”, except instead of that, he’s shaking his head and saying “They’re kicking against GOOOOOOD, it’s an abomination, y’all!”

0:35: Girlfriend it is such a sin to be gay!

1:00: Is that an ascot or one of those terr’ist headscarves Rachael Ray wore a couple of years ago, the one that caused Michelle Malkin to go on a deranged rampage against Dunkin’ Donuts?

1:18: Girlfriend, sometimes God just has to CRACK THAT WHIP!

1:41: “Plumbline” is where we need to be with the word of God. “Plumbline,” said the gay man with the scarf who is not gay.

1:45: ALL ANGRY NOW, “Homosexuals will be damned to hell and RIGHTLY SO!” He is so angry that he banged his jazz hands together for emphasis!

1:50: Gays should be quarantined because otherwise we will try to bring gangrene into heaven! And then God was all “Oh no you diiiii-int!”

2:00-2:10: Lots of panting as he says “God” and “Yes” over and over again. This guy has the HOTS for God.

2:30-3:00: All gays have no fathers. No fathers have all gays. Homosexuality is the worst depravity, OMG, the worst.

3:00-3:25: A whole section, screencapped above, where he uses his descriptive hands to show everybody what it looks like to be in a cage, trying to fondle cup GRASP one’s own true identity, but, like Tantalus with two low hanging grapes…

3:25: This guy, Adam Hood, went so far as to be pleasured by homosexual sex! Sex should not be fun, says fundamentalists! Sex should be like a chore, only to be done with the lights off, with people to whom you are not attracted!

3:45-4:15ish: A whole section where the guy tries just a little bit too hard to explain why gay sex is OMG gross. Around 4:12 he accidentally shifts from an “ewwwww, so dirty” face to a “purrrrrrr, so dirty” face, but he catches himself.

And that’s it!

Everybody place your bets in the “When will Adam Hood fall off the wagon into a pile of men?” lottery. My money is on “Sometime next Tuesday.”

UPDATE: If you have the stomach for more crazy from Adam Hood, here’s his conversion video, which includes the following quote:

“Martyr me for Jesus, I mean, I want it! In God’s timing, you know! But far be it from me to ever bow to the intimidation of the spirit of this age, or be ashamed of the Gospel. OH HELL NO.” Here, he actually snaps his Not Gay fingers. Then, from 5:50 to the end or so, is one of the most special things I have ever witnessed, as he, insanely, talks about his wedding night with the foolish girl he married. I can’t even describe it.