(Artist's rendering of the dynamic leader of the "ex-gay" movement.)

(Artist’s rendering of the dynamic leader of the “ex-gay” movement.)

Explaining that they had absolutely nothing better to do, and that “everyone in DC has a bad case of the Mondays,” members of the Obama administration and congressional leaders (that I made up in my head) today announced that they were stopping everything they were currently doing to pay attention to the whining of three or four paid “former homosexuals” today, the first annual “ex-gay” lobbying day on the Hill.

“Man, I am glad we don’t have any real responsibilities today. Otherwise we might not have time to listen to Christopher Doyle yammering and weeping about how, as an allegedly straight person, he is the world’s greatest victim of discrimination,” said all of the (imaginary) members of Congress. “What a treat!”

Former homosexuals will hold their first annual event in Washington with an all-star Christian lineup.

Voice of the Voiceless and P-FOX will be hosting a lobby day to visit with members of Congress on September 30 and demand a halt to discrimination against people who have left the homosexual lifestyle. The day will be capped off with a dinner. Voice of the Voiceless spokesman Christopher Doyle identifies the keynote speaker for the event.

Later on tonight, they will be having a secret banquet that will captivate the attention of all seven of the attendees:

“Bishop Harry Jackson is going to be delivering our keynote address at the first annual ex-gay awareness dinner and reception,” he tells OneNewsNow. “Bishop Jackson has been a huge cultural force and a source of truth and light in the African-American church and around the world in defending religious liberty and the church’s response to traditional biblical values.”

Jackson will address the subject of former homosexuals and set the tone for churches to rise up to support those who leave the lifestyle. Doyle also will bestow a special award on a high profile Christian attorney.

“Once we knew Harry Jackson was coming, we had to call Denny’s and request an upgrade to a table for eight!,” according to an anonymous “ex-gay” spokesperson (that I just made up in my head). “This is going to be so much more fun than actual gay pride. Who needs self-worth when you have Harry Jackson, and also free refills?”

“Mat Staver has been a tireless defender of individuals with unwanted same sex attractions and counselors who help them, both in California and now in New Jersey,” Doyle says of the attorney to receive the award.

Dennis Jernigan, a popular psalmist, will be providing music. He left the lifestyle, married and is the father of 9 children. –

“We would have booked actual musical entertainment, but we couldn’t find a band who was willing to be paid in shame and self-loathing,” according to the anonymous spokesperson I made up in my head.  “So we called Dennis. We know he’s not attracted to men anymore, because he has nine kids! That means he’s had sex with a woman at least nine times! Our hero!”

Due to the secretive nature of the event, there will be no way to verify that it even takes place, which is handy for a movement that claims to have untold thousands of adherents, but yet has no spokespeople who aren’t currently on the Religious Right’s payroll.

We at Truth Wins Out can’t wait to see what’s in store for next year’s “ex-gay” awareness/shame party. Maybe they will have to reserve a private room at Denny’s? Perhaps their movement will have become so large that the restaurant has to add an automatic 18% gratuity at the end of the night?

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.