Did you somehow miss the memo? July is “ex-gay” Pride month! Yes, this is a thing that exists! Here, let the “ex-gay” Uncle Fester, Christopher Doyle, explain:
We are actively working to receive a Presidential Proclamation from The White House to commemorate Ex-Gay Pride Month
Haha, ain’t gonna happen.
and are speaking with members of Congress to recognize and participate in our first annual Awareness Event on the National Mall and Evening Dinner/Reception in Washington, DC. See below for more details on Ex-Gay Pride!
When is Ex-Gay Pride? VoV is strategically holding Ex-Gay Pride Month in July, after June’s annual gay pride month, in order to draw attention to the ever-increasing phenomenon of ex-gays or former homosexuals; that is, individuals who formerly had unwanted same-sex attractions and/or lived an LGBT-identified life, but now do not. These individuals may be in heterosexual relationships, pursuing heterosexuality, or living celibate lives as former homosexuals.
The “ever-increasing phenomenon,” as reported by Christopher Doyle, who still won’t let us know how old the girls the were at his mother’s daycare, the ones he tried to have sex with.
WHAT is Ex-Gay Pride? A time to recognize the unique experiences of ex-gays and former homosexuals and celebrate their existence in American culture. VoV is currently organizing events in the month of July to highlight the unique role of ex-gays in American culture and draw attention to increasing discrimination and hostility towards the ex-gay community in society.
“Increasing discrimination and hostility towards the ‘ex-gay’ community,” which totally exists, as reported by Christopher Doyle.
WHY Ex-Gay Pride? Because former homosexuals are the last invisible minority in American culture and are increasingly subject to hostility from anti-ex-gay activists and the media at large, who is influenced heavily by the gay-activist lobby that discriminates and marginalizes former homosexuals. VoV estimates that ex-gays number in the tens of thousands (at least), but due to intimation and hostility, the exact numbers are unknown.
No, Christopher, unicorns are the last invisible minority. Perhaps all the hordes of “ex-gays” can ride them at “ex-gay” pride. VoV estimates that the numbers are in the tens of thousands (at least) because, meh, it sounds good. Why not go for a million?
WHERE is Ex-Gay Pride? Currently, VoV plans to hold at least one event in Washington, DC in July to commemorate the First Annual Ex-Gay Pride Month. Because Washington, DC is the only jurisdiction that recognizes ex-gays as a protected class against discrimination in the United States, we believe this is a safe place to gather and celebrate free from any threat of intimidation.
One event the whole month?! Well, I guess that sort of makes sense since only about twelve out of the “tens of thousands” of “ex-gays” are likely to show up, and they’ll all be paid to be there.
WHO Should Participate in Ex-Gay Pride? If you are a former homosexual, individual with unwanted same-sex attraction (SSA), a friend or family member that knows an ex-gay or individual with unwanted SSA, or one of our allies, we welcome your support and presence at any of our events! Please e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org for more details on how you can participate.
“Please, please, somebody, e-mail us!”
HOW Can I Participate in Ex-Gay Pride? VoV is currently looking for individuals and organizations to partner with us and help sponsor an awareness event on the Washington, DC National Mall and an evening dinner/reception to celebrate and commemorate ex-gays in the United States. It is important that we let our voices be heard or we’ll continue to face marginalization and discrimination. This event is meant to celebrate and unite together for a common goal: to increase our public visability [sic — a typo in a press release? really?], tell our stories proudly, celebrate our unique contributions towards American culture, and unite against the hatred and bigotry against our communities.
I’m trying to figure out what “ex-gays” have contributed to American culture, but the only word coming to mind is “sideshow.”
Anyway, you might be wondering how best to celebrate “ex-gay” Pride, so here are some tips:
1. Refuse to answer questions about that time you tried to have sex with little girls at your mother’s daycare. Bonus points if you can do this while hissing at and running away from Joe Jervis.
2. Get a pillow. Also, find a tennis racket. Are you mad at your mommy? Okay, call on those emotions and just beat the hell out of that pillow while yelling at your mother for making you gay.
3. Go out in the wilderness. Cuddle with all the guys there in order to repair your relationship with your dad. Get an erection.
4. Find a rentboy and take him to Europe for the whole month.
5. Take this month as an opportunity to admit that you never actually changed, and moreover, nobody else you’ve ever met did either.
6. Are you a counselor? Violate the ethics of your profession so much that you lose your license forever.
7. Are you a parent who refuses to grow up and accept your gay child? Start an organization where you can bellyache with others just like you. Do not under any circumstances reassess why you are such a failed parent that you are doing this.
8. Are you a Mormon? Go to a Jewish “ex-gay” counseling organization and make dudes get naked and touch themselves.
9. Make a video about how super-not-gay you are while wearing an ascot and gesturing wildly.
10. Hrmph-hrmph around about how butch you are, how you’re totally not a “flaming faggot,” while your beard files divorce papers.
11. Have some real pride in who you are, drop the act and stop destroying people’s lives with harmful, evil, completely discredited “ex-gay” reparative therapy? I don’t know. Whatever feels right to you. People celebrate in different ways, and since this is a fake holiday about “tens of thousands” of people who don’t exist, there are no discernible traditions.