bachmanncolbertIt’s a beautiful day in these United States. The birds are singing, the sun is shining, the gays are gallavanting around joyfully as the tide of history marches further toward equality. Thirty-eight million people in California live once again in a marriage equality state, married gay couples will now receive all the benefits they’re entitled to, the Defense Department has announced that they will immediately start implementing the repeal of DOMA, Section 3, and so on. Impromptu cocktail gatherings are being planned (and probably started at about 10:30 this morning for a lot of people), glasses will be raised, and we’ll all go back to work tomorrow knowing that, though the fight is still far from over, we’ve made huge strides.

Everybody is happy.

Except for the denizens of Lower and Upper Wingnuttia. They are so very upset! Come along, little children, let’s mock them together.

Let’s start with Crazy Eyes Bachmann, Grande Dame of Upper Wingnuttia:

“Marriage was created by the hand of God. No man, not even a Supreme Court, can undo what a holy God has instituted,” Bachmann, who isn’t seeking another term in Congress and narrowly won reelection last year, wrote.

“For thousands of years of recorded human history, no society has defended the legal standard of marriage as anything other than between man and woman. Only since 2000 have we seen a redefinition of this foundational unit of society in various nations,” she continued. “Today, the U.S. Supreme Court decided to join the trend, despite the clear will of the people’s representatives through DOMA.”

“What the Court has done will undermine the best interest of children and the best interests of the United States,” she concluded.

Asked for her opinion on Bachmann’s statement, Nancy Pelosi had a wonderful reaction:



No one cares. However, because it’s fun, let’s look at other wingnuts’ reactions, and tease them lovingly, like kittens pawing at overturned beetles.

brianbrownBrian Brown of the National Organization for Marriage may need his diaper changed, the tantrum he’s throwing is so dramatic:

“In a miscarriage of justice the US Supreme Court has refused to consider the decision of a single federal court judge to overturn the perfectly legal action of over 7 million California voters who passed Proposition 8 defining marriage as the union of one man and one woman,” said Brian Brown, NOM’s president. “The Supreme Court’s holding that proponents of an initiative had no legal right to appeal ignores California law and rewards corrupt politicians for abandoning their duty to defend traditional marriage laws. It’s imperative that Congress continue to preserve the right of states to protect true marriage and refuse to recognize faux marriages performed in other states or countries.”

“There is a stench coming from this case that has now stained the Supreme Court. They’ve allowed corrupt politicians and judges to betray the voters, rewarding them for their betrayal. It’s an illegitimate decision. We and millions of other Americans will refuse to accept this rogue decision rewarding corruption. ” Brown said.

“We also urge Congress to reject the inevitable attempts to dismantle remaining elements of DOMA, including the right of states to refuse to recognize so-called gay marriages performed elsewhere. The vast majority of American voters have expressed with their votes their desire to maintain marriage as the union of one man and one woman. That decision should be respected and left undisturbed.”

“The only other saving grace of the Supreme Court’s decisions today is that they refused to go along with the urgings of Ted Olsen and David Boies to find a constitutional right to same-sex ‘marriage,'” Brown said. “The plaintiffs failed in their primary objective, which is a major victory for those defending Proposition 8, especially Chuck Cooper and his firm, along with the attorneys at the Alliance Defending Freedom, and Andy Pugno of the Prop 8 Legal Defense Fund.”

Oh, the poor thing, looking for a silver lining. His absolutely adorable minion, who may or may not be my wingnut crush, Thomas Peters, is in full blown denial mode:



We did? News to us. But whatever makes you feel better, cutie. Let’s pinch his cheeks together and tell him everything’s going to be okay:


All better? Good. Sticking with NOM for a minute, cry, Maggie Gallagher, cry:

The Supreme Court has just abandoned 7 million voters, giving us no justice and no access to the courts..  The California Supreme Court made it clear that the proponents of Prop 8 are delegated the right to defend the law if state official refuse to do so.  But after accepting standing in DOMA because. . .well because it wanted to, the majority of the Supreme Court justices simply punted unable to recognize a clear injustice in kicking out of court people who have devoted thousands of hours to the democratic process –and $3 million to the defense of the law–that the Court today treats as beggars with no interest in the outcome.

You NOM people need to get real jobs.

Moving forward, Wonkette has collected some brilliant wingnut meltdowns. Look at poor Bryan Fischer, watching his little fantasy world crumble around him. His tear-stained whine is epic:



Continuing his meltdown, Bryan went on the radio today to assert that the Supreme Court is doing to wingnuts what the Nazis did to the Jews:

Dear Lord. I guess it’s just a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day down at hate group HQ in Tupelo, Mississippi. If you live in Tupelo, go to the American Family Association and make out with somebody of the same gender on the sidewalk in front of the building for me. Shoot video and send it in. Thanks.

And here is Breitbart’s Ben Shapiro, the little angry-faced wingnut who used to go on television bragging about his virginity, thinking he’s smarter than a Supreme Court justice:




The last of the screen shots from Wonkette (thanks, Doktor Zoom!) comes from Fox Radio’s Todd Starnes. The sky is falling, etc.



To answer his questions/statements, in order:

1. They won’t. Pop a Xanax, dude.

2. Who cares what you do in your house, Todd?

3. No they won’t.

4. Is that from the DOMA opinion, or are you just making stuff up? The way these wingnuts talk, you’d think their entire Bible was a gay-hating manual published by the Family Research Council.

(Tony Perkins angry-face via the AP)

(Tony Perkins angry-face via the AP)

Speaking of FRC, I bet Tony Perkins is having a little tantrum! Let’s see:

“While we are disappointed in the Supreme Court’s decision to strike down part of the federal Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), the court today did not impose the sweeping nationwide redefinition of natural marriage that was sought. Time is not on the side of those seeking to create same-sex ‘marriage.’ As the American people are given time to experience the actual consequences of redefining marriage, the public debate and opposition to the redefinition of natural marriage will undoubtedly intensify.

“We are encouraged that the court learned from the disaster of Roe v. Wade and refrained from redefining marriage for the entire country. However, by striking down the federal definition of marriage in DOMA, the Court is asserting that Congress does not have the power to define the meaning of words in statutes Congress itself has enacted. This is absurd. The Defense of Marriage Act imposes no uniform definition of marriage upon the individual states. However, the states should not be able to impose varying definitions of marriage upon the federal government. The ruling that the federal government must recognize same-sex ‘marriages’ in states that recognize them raises as many questions as it answers. For example, what is the status of such couples under federal law if they move to another state that does not recognize their ‘marriage?’ This decision throws open the doors for whole new rounds of litigation.

“We are disturbed that the court refused to acknowledge that the proponents of Proposition 8 have standing to defend Proposition 8. This distorts the balance of powers between the legislative, executive, and judicial branches of government. The Court’s decision allows the executive branch to effectively veto any duly enacted law, simply by refusing to defend it against a constitutional challenge. Ironically, by refusing to defend the law, California’s executive branch has also denied the nation any definitive ruling on the constitutionality of defining marriage as the union of one man and one woman.

“What is inevitable is that the male and female relationship will continue to be uniquely important to the future of society. The reality is that society needs children, and children need a mom and a dad. We will continue to work to restore and promote a healthy marriage culture, which will maximize the chances of a child being raised by a married mother and father,” Perkins concluded.

I like how he straddles the line between wailing and denial.

More? You want more? Joe has been collecting sad tweets from sad people. Like the crazy Eat Da Poo Poo pastor from Uganda:



Focus on your own country, Ssempa. Thanks.

Matt Barber of Liberty Counsel:



Yeah, that’s what wingnuts said after Loving.

Mike Huckabee is worried that Jesus is crying:



Probably because he was at a gay wedding and he “got something in his eye.”

And finally, here is twenty-one minutes and forty-nine seconds of GOP house members weeping, gnashing teeth, etc. Louie Gohmert (starting just after the 11 minute mark) looks like he has literally been crying. Oh, so sad, Louie, SCOTUS was nice to people you hate. Turn it on in the background like one of those sleepy-time recordings of ocean waves and soothing New Age music and take yourself a little afternoon nap. Ah, sweet, peaceful slumber:

If you find more hilarious reactions from wingnuts, post them in the comments!