See, this is how you know that the One Million Moms (motto: we lost a few Facebook likes yesterday, but we’ll be back to 5,000 in no time!) are just moral scolds. They’re not content to freak out every time something remotely gay happens on the television screen; no, they even hate things that, if they would take a deep breath and enjoy being humans for five seconds of their scoldy lives, they would enjoy!

Here is an ad from Kraft, featured in People Magazine.


They are VERY upset about this ad, the target demographic of which is…well, they are the target demographic. All straight women are. And gay men. And bisexual men. And anybody who isn’t a weirdly repressed moral scold who loses his/her marbles at the sight of the human body.

But the One Million Moms, the particularly ineffective subsidiary of the American Family Association hate group, are different. Check out the text of their whine:

Last week’s issue of People Magazine had the most disgusting ad on the inside front cover that we have ever seen Kraft produce.

“Disgusting?” Hot guy, great body, nice picnic…

 A full 2-page ad features a n*ked man lying on a picnic blanket with only a small portion of the blanket barely covering his g*nitals.

Moment of silence for the fact that these people are so joyless that they replaced vowels in “naked” and “genitals” with asterisks, as if the mere allusion to nudity or the fact that we have genitals is somehow offensive. These are the sorts of households where children, rather than being taught the correct names for their body parts, grow up using bizarre words like “woo-woos” and “dinkies.” In other words, I’m not sure we’re dealing with real adults here.

It is easy to see what the ad is really selling.

Kraft picnic items, and also sex, because sex sells. This is not a new concept.

A person has to look closely to see the item the company is marketing because the salad dressing bottle is so small next to the male model, picnic basket

They probably photoshopped the salad dressing bottle down to make it look even smaller next to the “picnic basket.” I’m enjoying writing this post, just so everyone knows.

Kraft has gone too far and will push away loyal, conservative customers with this new ad campaign. Christians will not be able to buy Kraft dressings or any of their products until they clean up their advertising.

The majority of Christians will see this ad, if they even see it, and say “whatever.” Or, they might say to themselves, “my, my, he’s sexy.” And a few people might even choose Kraft picnic items the next time they go in the store. Regardless, “Christians” will not be boycotting Kraft over this ad.

The consumers they are attempting to attract – women and mothers – are the very ones they are driving away.

Again, they are not driving away “women and mothers.” They are apparently driving away the tiny subset of “women and mothers” known as the One Million Moms, but that’s not noticeable to anyone’s bottom line.

One Million Moms cannot get over the gall of this company.

Fainting couch needed for Ms. Monica Cole, director of One Million Moms. Please, bring it quickly.

It is unnecessary for Kraft to use s*x to sell salad dressing! (An asterisk is used to ensure our emails get through to those who have signed up to receive our alerts. Otherwise, referencing specific words would cause our emails to be blocked by some Internet filters.)

Because the people who have signed up for their e-mail list are also the types of people who use Net Nanny software on themselves, apparently.

Ms. Cole ends her screed by encouraging her subscribers to use their e-mail form to complain to Kraft about the sexy man and his pick-a-nick basket, so as always, you all are also free to use their e-mail form to tell them how much you liked it and demand that it become a full series.

[h/t Joe]