daubI think that Jason Collins’ coming out is becoming important for reasons beyond the simple fact that male professional sports, in many ways the “final frontier” of the fight to show Americans that LGBT people exist everywhere, finally have their first out gay athlete. People have been turning away from Fundamentalist Christian Theatrics for a while now, but this incident is showing people just how unhinged the wingnuts really are. Alvin has a few examples, which we will now examine with wide eyes.

Here is Linda Harvey, the most homophobic woman in the United States, just cold losing it, so much that her words don’t even make sense:

As it turns out, [Jason] Collins is actually an ex-heterosexual. Since he had a relationship with a woman, his ex-fiancée, who told reporters she had no idea about this other side of him. Some might say that this is bisexuality but it really reveals an anything-goes sexual behavior that once again is an evidence of choice, not something inborn. Many in our politically correct media will of course refuse to see this and connect the dots. Let me refer to a couple of Christian commentators who had insights on the Jason Collins situation. Steve Nobel of Called2Action Ministries sent out an e-newsletter with his headline, “Why is this news and why did the President of the United States call him?” Noble went on to say, “I’m so tired of ‘gay this’ and ‘gay that,’ aren’t you?” Yes Steve, you’re not alone in thinking we’ve heard enough deceit about a sinful, high-risk behavior. It’s not like race, no one is born this way, and Jason Collins should feel shame and a desire to change, not pride.

Hahaha, no, Linda, he is not an “ex-heterosexual.” The grown-ups in this discussion understand that sexuality is not behavior, no matter how much you want to whine and make it so. When Linda quotes Steve Nobel, she is citing an example of the new wingnut line of attack on out gay people: “I don’t care! I don’t care! I just don’t care! This is me not caring SO MUCH!”

They so care.

In the next circus ring, we have “Coach” Dave Daubenmire, just cold queening out about how grossed out he is by the whole thing. He honestly thinks he comes across as a bigger, stronger man than Jason Collins, and that is sad. Be sure to watch until the end when Dave is completely shrieking about butt-sex:

People are coming out of the closet, you see, because “men” like “Coach” Dave are too wussy to say anything about how gayness is evil. “Coach” Dave isn’t wussy, though. He is a really big tough man. Can’t you see?

But taking the prize in pathetic, juvenile schoolyard taunting — the kind that comes from kids who are seriously going nowhere in life, and also get really bad grades — is, of course, Matt Barber, the greatest wingnut welfare recipient of them all, a man who lost his job at AllState because he just couldn’t seem to keep their company name out of his homophobic screeds. He was, of course, scooped up by Liberty Counsel, where he is actually paid dollars to write things at Clown Hall like this:

So I guess you’ve heard. Fading, 34 year-old NBA free agent Jason Collins has been declared a hero for publicly announcing that he digs dudes. Well, it’s about time! Used to be all a guy had to do was die at Omaha Beach or some other such nonsense. The Imperialist USA is finally seeing some major progress.

Haw haw haw. In wingnut-land, these are called “jokes.” This is why there are very few successful conservative comedians.

This selfless giant of a man put everything on the line and valiantly announced to the world (Optional: may or may not insert theme to “Battle Hymn of the Republic” here) – announced to the world: “I’m a 34-year-old NBA center. I’m black. And I’m gay.”

With everything to lose and nothing to gain, Jason Collins, in one single, selfless act, has rushed forward to jump on that “homophobic” grenade of persecution each of his LGBT brethren, sistren and whatever-else-tren face daily. For every oppressed dude-digging-dude, chick-digging-chick or cross-dressing whatchahoozie, Jason Collins has “taken one for the home team.”

“Cross-dressing whatchahoozie.” This is how we know we are dealing with an adult, and also one of the reasons we’ve won the culture war. Men like Matt Barber just come off as little crying wusses in the corner, bemoaning the fact that nobody respects them anymore. It’s adorable to watch.

And just as he was ready to move to the next level of his basketball career (couch, Cheetos and NBA 2K13 on his PlayStation), Jason may now have to contend with millions in product endorsements, speaking fees and, potentially, even a renewed NBA contract. Have you ever dealt with lawyers? I have. I am a lawyer. We’re a pain in the butt.

This part is funny because Matt Barber sort of used to be an athlete, but now occupies a big chair and whines with Mat Staver on the radio about how the gays are hurting their feelings every day of his life. If Matt Barber making fun of Jason Collins’ career isn’t projection, I don’t know what is.

But then it occurred to me.

Never a good sign.

Collins had a girlfriend of eight years. In fact, they were engaged to be married before he dumped her. This would make him “bisexual,” then, wouldn’t it?

Nope, but it would make Matt Barber as intentionally, willfully stupid as Linda Harvey.

So – and bear with me here – if being “gay” makes him a hero, does being “bi” make him a superhero? That. Is. Awesome! I don’t know: “Captain Switch-Hitter”? (Sorry for the mixed metaphor.)

There would have to be an actual metaphor present for it to be “mixed.”

Then again, if he’s “bisexual,”

He’s not.

might that actually diminish his heroism? Would it make him only half a hero, or would it just cancel out altogether, making him ordinary again?

Again, Matt Barber is getting paid money to write this. When he leaves for work in the morning, this is what he does. How embarrassing for the children on Career Day.

How do you get a call from the White House? Sandra Fluke? Jason Collins? I see a theme developing here. Declare sexual liberation from all that archaic “morality” stuff and – ring, ring – “Barack on line one.”

Oh, sure, a bunch of those “Christians” and conservatives are up-in-arms over the president’s “bizarre priorities” – that he would personally call Jason Collins to congratulate him over “the love that dare not speak its name,” while completely ignoring a guy like Cameron Lyle. Who is Cameron Lyle, you ask?

I dunno, tell us, Bam Bam.

Well, little chance you’d know. And why should you? He’s just some attention-grabbing track and field star from the University of New Hampshire who sacrificed his athletic career to undergo the excruciating process of donating bone marrow to a total stranger dying of leukemia.

Oh, that’s nice. Normal people can look at both men in admiration, while simultaneously wondering, again, how Matt Barber managed to get people to pay him to write things like this.

Yeah, I know. What a prima donna. They call that “heroic”? Puhleeze. Sure, like in a 1950s kinda way. We’ve evolved. We’re talking “gay pride” here. So, naturally, Collins gets the call – a little “one-on-one” if you will – while Lyle gets the shaft.

And Matt Barber has now managed to write the stupidest thing he’s ever written, which will hold that title until he writes something else. It worked for Jonah Goldberg’s career.

Say one more stupid, juvenile thing to close it out, Bam Bam:

Um, right, exactly. If we can’t be proud of sodomy, what can we be proud of?

Seriously, I’d encourage the next pro athlete engaged in some other hitherto-considered-deviant-sexual-lifestyle to ride the wave.

Who knows, in today’s ever-”progressive” culture, I could see President Obama awarding the Medal of Honor to the first polo player courageous enough to admit having a thing for his horse.

So many words, persuading nobody. Only very small, insecure men are threatened by someone like Jason Collins coming out of the closet. Bam Bam and Dave Daubenmire have shown that they are a part of that group. You see, when people feel the need to throw schoolyard taunts, it tells you one thing — that they feel highly insecure. Jason Collins’ coming out (and other comings out in professional sports that still haven’t happened) threatens these wingnuts’ very conception of what it is to be a real man, and they’re coming to terms with the reality that what they have been taught constitutes A Man is actually just a flimsy, flaccid imitator. They project an aura of “hrmph hrmph” dude-ness, but the second a seven foot man with a long career comes out, it freaks them out to their very core.

And it is such a joy to watch.

Now, to cleanse the palate, if you haven’t seen Sherman Alexie’s brilliantly funny piece at Slog, describing his OWN straight-man reaction to Jason Collins coming out, stop everything and go read it. Here’s an excerpt:

So who are the best-looking men in the USA? The answer, obviously, is professional athletes. I mean, Jesus, Google-Image Adrian Peterson. Study how cut, shredded, and jacked he is.

Cut. Shredded. Jacked. Those are violent straight-boy adjectives that mean “beautiful.” But we straight boys aren’t supposed to think of other men as beautiful. We’re supposed to think of the most physically gifted men as warrior soldiers, as dangerous demigods.

And there’s the rub: When we’re talking about professional athletes, we are mostly talking about males passionately admiring the physical attributes and abilities of other males. It might not be homosexual, but it certainly is homoerotic.

So when Jason Collins, an NBA basketball player, announced this week that he was gay and became the first active athlete in the four major professional American sports leagues to come out of the closet, I was proud of him. And I was aroused, politically speaking.

He’s the Jackie Robinson of homosexual basketball big men.

He’s seven feet and 250 pounds of man-loving man.

See? Sherman Alexie comes across as a self-assured straight man. Those other jokers above…wow. Read Alexie’s whole piece, you’ll laugh heartily.