hagstromY’all know how pens do that thing where you poke one end and the ball point comes out and you write down your gay agenda for the day, and then you pop the end again and the ball point goes away? Well, when the ball point is down in there, it is being “deviate” and probably also a pervert, and this is just like gay sex because:

One of the nuttier speeches during the 25 minute second reading of the bill [decriminalizing gay sex in Montana] came when Rep. Dave Hagstrom stood up to explain his ‘no’ vote and compared gay sex to a pen in its retracted position. Hagstrom prefaced his remarks by saying that he has “a lot of love and respect for a whole number of homosexual friends, so there’s no homophobic issues going on here at all.”

Said Hagstrom:

“I don’t think that homosexual sex is necessarily not deviate. Bad word? Deviate simply means it’s not normal, it’s not typical….This pen has two purposes. The first purpose, of course, is to write. The second purpose is to retract, so that it doesn’t leave a stain on your shirt or your purse. So it has two purposes, but one is primary and the other is secondary. To me, sex’s primary purpose is to produce people, that’s why we’re all here. Sex that doesn’t produce people is deviate. That doesn’t mean that it’s a problem. It just means it’s not doing its primary purpose. So I’m just speaking to the bill and I encourage people to vote red.”

So gay sex is part of the purpose of sex but it’s not the primary purpose, and really, on that note, all sex that doesn’t result in a baby is “deviate” as well, and he’s not saying it’s a problem, necessarily, and he’s definitely not a homophobe, but anyway, he’s voting to keep gay sex illegal. Because, you know, pens.