Did you know that, in paranoid conspiracy theory Teabagger Land, there is someone who thinks that gays don’t really want equality and the full exercise of our constitutional rights at all? No! That is not what teabagger Doug Mainwaring thinks at all. He thinks that marriage equality is a covert operation by the ATF to illegally run guns into the hands of Mexican drug lords, who will then kill lots of people and Americans will see it, and thus play right into Obama’s hands and suddenly oppose the right to bear arms a secret conspiracy to weaken people’s faiths and their families, which will allow liberals to expand big gubmint, and Doug Mainwaring does not like that one bit! I must have missed the meeting where they got all the gays together and convinced everybody that they deserved to be treated equally, so that the conspiracy could succeed. You think I’m kidding? This is in the Moonie Times today:

On Saturday, Rep. Barney Frank took marriage vows with his partner, Jim Ready, at a Boston ceremony attended by 300 guests and scads of media. One might have thought the congressman, his partner and Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick, who officiated the nuptials, might have wanted to use this high-profile event as an opportunity to combat negative public opinion about and increase the legitimacy of same-sex marriage. They accomplished the polar opposite. Red flags should be hoisted up flagpoles across the country.

Here are the vows, which Mr. Patrick as the presiding official, posed to Mr. Frank and Mr. Ready:

“Do you promise to love each other and be each other’s best friend,

In sickness and in health,

In Congress or in retirement,

Whether the surf is up or the surf’s flat,

For richer or for poorer,

Under the Democrats or the Republicans,

Whether the slopes are powdery or icy,

Whether the book reviews are good or bad,

For better or for worse,

On MSNBC or on Fox,

For as long as you both shall live?”

The entire ceremony lasted just a few minutes.

Most Americans – yes, even those who may have a divorce in their past, view marriage as something sacred. It’s a solemn moment of commitment before God or, if not God, in front of their families and the community. Clearly, the intelligentsia in attendance were not mostAmericans.

An irreverent display, this was a scene from a cheesy comedy movie, skewering the very concept of marriage. No one would mistake this for a solemn moment when two souls are joined together for eternity. Instead, it was an absurd frolic, an “Alice in Wonderland” moment.

I’m guessing that Doug the Genius hasn’t been to too many weddings. Couples write their own vows all the time, and sometimes they’re even silly, and when they’re silly, the couple is usually making jokes that are special to them in some way. This, though, for Doug, is a “red flag” which shows us that there is a conspiracy afoot. I’m sure George Soros is part of it.

The politicos and pundits who aggressively promote same-sex marriage, many of whom were present at this event, have revealed something about themselves they perhaps didn’t intend to show: Same-sex marriage is a joke to them.

No, they didn’t. Doug. Seriously. Make a couple of friends and then find out if somebody will invite you to a few weddings.

Here comes the black helicopter, tin-foil hat part:

Mr. Frank’s vows are emblematic of the problem with the same-sex marriage lobby in this country: For them, it’s not about homosexual rights, nor is it about equality, fairness or freedom. It is about the weakening of the two most hallowed structures of civil society – family and faith – which often stand in the way of government making further inroads into our lives. The ideal world for liberals would be one where we all became like “Julia” on BarackObama.com – individuals deprived of the influence and support of family and faith. In that way, government can more easily have its way with us.

I think I stepped out of the meeting during the part where the liberal overlords explained that we should all want to get married so we could be like Julia on BarackObama.com.

Far from a cherished milestone in the advancement of American freedom, the Frank-Ready wedding was a mockery, a parody, a staggering caricature of the most funda- mental and towering of American Institutions.

If this is how Washington’s political class views marriage, we should run – not walk – from its counsels.

The boisterous laughter and snickers among the 300 gathered guests evoked by Mr. Frank’s frivolous vows were a display of the contempt our liberal establishment harbors for Main Street America.

Maybe they were just happy for their friends, Doug, and really weren’t making any sorts of statements about “Main Street America.”

I would point out that this is basically the end of the piece; that Doug presented absolutely no evidence for his weird little conspiracy theory; and that his piece was poorly written, and yet was still published in the Moonie Times. This is what passes for “analysis” in Tea Party Nation.

[h/t Right Wing Watch]