Oh, Mike Heath, friend of Porno Pete, what sayeth you about the murkiest depths of thee evil gaynesses of Maine? Forsooth!

As our society continues her descent into the gloomy depths love compels us to come together here today.  The inky blackness of evil only appears solid.  The flicker of a solitary candle reveals the deception.  Light always forces darkness to flee.  Darkness has no power over light … and love.

Oh, this is going to be the gayest monologue ever.

Considering, though, the great, epic love between so many gay couples, it is good to know that the darkness of wingnut idiocy, as practiced by Mike Heath, shall not prevaileth!

Sodomy, and those who practice it, choose to live in the darkness.  First they convince themselves that evil is good, and then they must convince everyone else.

Repenteth, practicers of sodomy, whether thee be straight or gay! Miketh Heatheth simply dost not liketh sex!

The siren song of sexual pleasure entices them from the righteous course God prepared for them in eternity.  The clanging song excites them for a minute, but the pleasure always flees before the moment passes.  And so it will be with Maine.

The fleeting pleasure of, what? Orgasms? Orgasms, which are siren songs of pleasure, WHICH DO CLANGETH! But Maine will no longer clangeth!

The most unloving and intolerant act we could choose to perform would be to not engage the people of Maine in a conversation about morality, sodomy and sin.

We musteth talk to Mainers about our weird obsessions with the sex we are not having! It would be unloving not to shareth our Mike Heath-ian fixation on the wiles of men and women whose gazes touch us not!

 My heart is heavy, for the institution most capable of leading this conversation is itself now turning her head in the direction of the siren’s song.

The churcheth doth clangeth toward the Cliffs of Gay! Anon, anon, whatever will we do?!

The church must repent.  It must choose clarity and courage over political correctness and sin.

The light of our civilization flickers as Christianity chooses fund-raising, politics and psychology over moral clarity about marriage, family-formation and sexual sin.

Our pledge today is to be clear with the people of Maine.

Love compels us to tell the truth.

Mike Heath will not tarry as he embarks on a crusade around Maine, telling strangers his version of the truth about sex! Strangers shall recoil, most of the time, but that will not stop Mike Heath!

All sex outside of marriage is wrong. Societal approval of homosexuality is an extreme form of wickedness that does great harm to everyone, especially vulnerable children.

That’ll convince Maine voters. “Not only do we hate gays, but we also hate all of you who have had straight sex outside of marriage.”

All government actions that hint at the acceptance of sexual evil must stop immediately.  This evil must be replaced with government support for the creation of strong, multi-generational families.

Which is impossible where there are gay couples, because gay couples do not have extended families!

Maine’s overwhelming NO vote rejecting sodomy-based “marriage” in November will begin the healing.

Not gonna happen, wingnut. Your time hath passed. Updateth thy resume. Again.

With your hard work the candle that flickers here today will light a righteous wildfire.  From the smoking embers new life will take root and bloom.

Oh, Mike. Thou art as tedious as a tired horse. Thy words appeareth nothing to me but a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours. Thy tongue outvenoms all the worms of Nile, and thou art as loathsome as a toad.*

Also, thou writest like a disgruntled middle schooler.

*(Henry IV, Hamlet, Cymbeline, Troilus and Cressida, respectively.)