I’ve long said that the defining characteristic of a religious wingnut is that they don’t fight for or against anything that is actually verifiably real. While gay activists are over here concerned about working to make sure gay kids don’t kill themselves and all citizens are treated equally in our society, wingnuts are losing it over completely imaginary boogeymen. I imagine that a good psychologist could explain how this sort of denial protects them from having to confront the utter emptiness of their lives, but I’ll leave that to the doctors. For now, let’s look with wonder and awe at the imaginary world the AFA’s Bryan Fischer has created in his mind, as he elucidates the “Ten Commandments of Secular Sharia Law,” something which, um, doesn’t even make sense. These are the imaginary monsters under Bryan Fischer’s bed, y’all:

These new commandments must be obeyed, and those who flout them will receive the most severe and unyielding punishments, including censure, excommunication, (say, from graduate counseling programs), and fines in the forms of legal fees to the secular imams at the ACLU.

The ACLU is under Bryan’s bed, making tapping noises on the box spring.

1. “Government, not Yahweh, is God.” Secular fundamentalists want us to look to government for everything we we [sic] were once taught to look for from God. Government is all knowing, all powerful, all wise, all caring. You know, all the things God used to be.

This is strange, since our nation didn’t have an official god to start with.

2. “You shall have no gods, period.” The goal of secular fundamentalists is the extermination of any and all mentions of God and Christ in the public arena. The only exceptions to the “no god” rule will be for Gaia and Allah. Gaia is to be worshiped, and any blasphemy against her, by plundering her for such things as the fuel on which the world runs, will be met with the severest punishment and condemnation.

In the real world, liberals hold to the virtues of separation of church and state so that people actually CAN have religious freedom, rather than the un-free version supported by Fundamentalists, wherein we are all free to worship or not worship as we please, as long as we don’t offend the delicate sensibilities of people like Bryan Fischer. I don’t have the energy to burst the idiot bubble regarding some sort of connection between radical Islam and secular liberalism, and the stupidity of the argument is self-evident to all thinking sixth graders, so…

3. “You shall not take the name of the homosexual agenda or Islam in vain.” If you do, we will land on you like a falling safe. Profanity, blasphemy, vulgarity, obscenity, pornography, all are fine. Criticize homosexual conduct, on the other hand, and we will cause the wrath of our god to descend upon you as a consuming fire. You will be silenced, marginalized and treated as a leper. We secularists have freedom of speech but you cretinous conservatives do not. If you have a problem with sexually deviant behavior, you are by definition a homophobic hatemonger and we don’t have to listen to you.

But yet we’re still on “gay and Islam are just alike!,” aren’t we? Of course, the notion that we are or would ever try to “silence” the bigots is silly, as they win people for our side every time they talk. In that way, they are our unwitting allies. Of course, his complaint that we don’t HAVE to listen to them is valid, as there is nothing in our Constitution which suggests that we need to listen to the whining of bigots. They may speak. We may ignore. Been that way for 236 years…

4. “Observe Halloween, Labor Day and Martin Luther King, Jr. Day as holy days. Christmas, Easter, and Thanksgiving, on the other hand, must be wiped off school calendars as if they never existed.”

I observe every holiday on that list. If such a high god of the homosexual agenda such as I hasn’t gotten the memo to destroy Christmas, Easter and Turkey Day, I’m worried that there’s a glitch in our top secret e-mail system.

5. “Honor your father and mother – by which we mean liberal politicians, since they have turned government into your mommy and your daddy.” No husband, no problem: government will be the head of your home. No father, no problem: government will be your provider and raise your children for you.

This is why we fight so hard for marriage equality, and why untold numbers of gay couples give adopted children loving, two-parent homes. It’s to promote single parenting, obviously.

6. “You shall not murder – unless it’s a defenseless baby in the womb.”

Yes, well, we do support reproductive rights, but overall, we’re still the true pro-life contingent here, as most liberals see life as something that extends beyond birth.

7. “You shall not commit adultery – unless it’s with another man’s wife. Fornication and sodomy without repercussions and penalty are okay too. And we’re working on polygamy and pedophilia.” Anyone who disagrees, and says anything remotely critical of such behaviors, will be subject to the wrath of the holy and righteous prophets of secular Sharia in the out-of-the-mainstream media, who will call down fire and brimstone on those who dare to challenge the sexual orthodoxy of leftist libertines.

I don’t see anyone on our side advocating for adultery. “Fornication and sodomy without repercussions and penalty are okay too.” Yep, they are! When two adults are consenting and want to have sexytime with each other, it’s really not Bryan Fischer’s bizness, is it? No, I don’t think it is. However, to derail the discussion with mention of polygamy and pedophilia, the most egregious scandals of which involve those bastions of secular liberalism known as the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and the Roman Catholic Church…well, that’s just confusing.

Outside of Bryan’s fever dream, are we fighting for those things? I don’t think so…

8. “You shall not steal – unless it’s to plunder from the producers what they have earned to give to the non-producers what they have not earned.” Anyone who complains about this involuntary transfer of wealth will be judged by the secular mullahs as evil, greedy capitalists and silenced. Right after they have been ripped off.

Jesus was all about giving a big “F you” to the poor, you see, in Bryan’s theology. I’m pretty sure he’s reading his Bible upside down, of course.

9. “You shall not bear false witness – unless it is to tell blatant lies about the Constitution, American history, the economy, unemployment figures and drilling for oil.” As long as you are lying to advance the power and reach of government, or get a leftist politician reelected, it’s okay. Secularists have their own version of taqqiya, just like the Muslims do.

They have the joke historian known as David Barton, yet we are the liars…

10. “You shall not covet anything – as long as it belongs to people who are poorer than you. If they have more money than you, they are evil oppressors who must be plundered of their ill-gotten wealth by our government overlords so it can be redistributed to the lazy, shiftless and irresponsible.”

That’s the same thing as number 8, dillweed. Bryan must have heard George Soros rifling around under his blankie and, jittering in fear, decided to phone number 10 in. Lazy.

I continue to be amazed that there are actual humans in this country who believe these sorts of things. But, as I said at the top, I’m sure there is some sort of psychological reason these people worry themselves over things that simply don’t exist. I don’t want to spend any time in their heads figuring it out, though…

This has been your daily dose of Bryan Fischer.