And maybe if I met the right woman…

Patrick Wooden has quickly become one of the weirdest, funniest wingnuts on record, ever since Porno Pete recruited him for a poorly attended protest at the Southern Poverty Law Center. In the space of just a few weeks, he has explained how anal sex is just terrible, but only if you’re gay, how gay men are well-known for putting iPhones in their butts, which is why gay men have to wear buttplugs all the time [sensing a pattern in what Wooden is interested in here?], and also Tyler Perry and Oprah are the devil. Teaching us about these things are all part of Wooden’s Pastoral Duties, and now he’s added another one to the mix!

You see, Patrick Wooden loves Pam Spaulding of Pam’s House Blend so much that he really just wants her to find a nice man to rock her world, for Jesus, of course. No, really. Here he is, talking to Porno Pete about Pam:

Patrick Wooden: Well, first of all, I love Pam, and one of these days I hope to invite Pam Spaulding maybe to lunch, and we can sit down and talk, I have never had the privilege of meeting her. I learned that we were at an event one time together and she did not make herself known [news to me; what event is he talking about?] and of course she knew, if my information is correct, she’s aware of who I am and I did not know her. I love her and I am praying for her, and I wouldn’t dare rail insults for insults or slurs for slurs.

I will say that Christ died for Pam, and Jesus will save her and deliver her from sin and that I have nothing but love for her and look forward to an opportunity to sit down and look her in the eye and to talk to her. Now as for the comment that I am a rent-a-pastor (laughs)…listen, Peter, I’ve been called much worse, and you know, my position is this: I don’t mind being rented for the cause of Christ. I don’t mind being rented for God’s Truth, I don’t mind being used for God’s Truth…as a matter of fact I want to thank her for calling me a rent-a-pastor. And I’ll say to the Lord – you can rent me anytime you want. I don’t know why he would since he owns me, but I will do for whatever cause he would want me to be a part of …here I am Lord, I’m like Isaiah, [blah, blah, blah] as long as I am representing God’s Truth.

Peter, it’s really not about her; we’re just vessels to be used by the Lord. It is the cause…it is the truth of God that we represent that is so important. So if the Pam Spauldings of this world, I wouldn’t get into a shouting match with her, I wouldn’t visit her web site, or her Facebook or whatever and rail insult for insult…

Pam needs Jesus, when Pam meets the Lord that yearning for a member of the same sex will change…she’d probably make a fantastic mother [Um, no], and would enjoy having a husband who was born male – no Chaz Bono business – born male – and meet her man, and rock her world, in the name of the Lord.”

You see, Pam Spaulding is great, says Patrick Wooden! If only she would discover the wonders of the wang in the name of the Lord

This is what our opposition has been reduced to, y’all.