Ever since Porno Pete introduced us to his new wingnut friend Patrick Wooden at their poorly attended protest against the Southern Poverty Law Center, we’ve been enjoying listening to Wooden describe his fantastical fever dreams about the gay community — for instance, did you know that all gay men above a certain age have to wear diapers or butt plugs? Yes, a “pastor” says so, so it must be true! Peter LaBarbera is eager to sign on to these claims because he is so unnaturally disturbed by homosexuality that he will believe anything if it makes gays look bad. Not smart guys, these.

Anyway, Peter and Patrick sat down for another chat, wherein Patrick revealed that the homoseckshul lifestyle isn’t all diapers and buttplugs, but also putting iPhones, sporting equipment and animals in butts!

Here is the transcript, but you really need to listen to the recording to hear how he pronounces “sphincter.”

Wooden: I do not back off or back down from my statements at all. I was giving anecdotal examples that I am personally aware of that have happened as a result of men who have given themselves over to this lifestyle. One man past away, a friend of mine shared this information with me, that where what used to be his anus had become a gaping hole and he literally died in diapers, he literally lost control of himself. There are examples of men who have stretched their anuses, their sphincter muscles so that they could fit objects into themselves that once the sphincter muscle is stretched too much it will not contract. Because the truth is, despite the anger of the homosexual community, the anus is not a vagina. A vagina, a woman can give birth, God so designed it, the hips release can give birth to babies and things return back to normal. The anus doesn’t work that way; this is one of the reasons why many male homosexuals place larger and larger objects in their rectums.

I know of a case where in a hospital a homosexual male had a cellphone lodged in his anus and as they were operating on him the phone went off, the phone started ringing! There’ve been instances where men have put bats, baseball bats, in their rectums!

Even the homosexual lobby knows, those who are pro-homosexual, they know that they cannot win the argument describing what it is that these people actually do to each other, the objects, the animals in certain cases, the little gerbils; thank God I’m a human being! Because if you talk about what it is that these people actually do, they can’t win the argument.

This is all projection. Seriously. Mental health professionals, please analyze below in the comments section.

Also, please commence to using Patrick Wooden’s pronunciation for “sphincter” immediately, in all conversations.

If you missed the recording about diapers and buttplugs, and also about how God lovingly designed sperm, here it is: