When Kathryn Jean Lopez of the National Review looks at Michele and Marcus Bachmann, she sees an all-American, Christian marriage.  The rest of us, of course, see an insane dancing lady and a United States Congresswoman who wants to be president.  But don’t tell K-Lo that, because she is, well, rather upset that Michele just won’t answer questions about why she hates the gays so much.  Michele needs to say more, says K-Lo!

My fantasy version of that conversation would move forward with the interviewee responding early…

Okay, first of all, apologies to all humans everywhere for posting the words “Kathryn Jean Lopez” and “my fantasy” so close to each other. But what she’s talking about here is the little back-and-forth Crazy Eyes had with David Gregory, where she refused to answer questions about her neanderthal views on sexuality. Anywho, this is what K-Lo wishes Michele Bachmann would tell ‘Murka:

“David, people are free to live as they will, but when they insist that apples are oranges and that we must all agree to pretend that’s fact and teach our children that and operate our businesses as if it were true, that is where we have a problem.

“I’ll stand by what I said and I’ll go further: We’re living in a culture that is enslaved. We live in a country where an invented right to privacy is more precious to us than innocent human life.

(blah blah blah, random wingnut crap about abortion, everything is about abortion with this woman…)

“David, there is a reason I’m happy to talk about my marriage and the need for mutual respect and spiritual leadership. Because I’m all too aware of the alternatives.

Life as K-Lo, for instance…

I said what I said about homosexuality, and if I were running to be pastor-in-chief I’d be talking to you about it every day, along with the fact that all too often we have no clear vision of what love truly is.

Got it? Gay couples who have been together for decades? Not experts on love. K-Lo? EXPERT.

We’re never going to have a sensible conversation about same-sex marriage without having a much more fundamental one about marriage itself, about the purpose of sex, and about what love really is.

Uh-huh.  Again, K-Lo is the expert on these things, because she knows that everything not officially sanctioned by the Pope is icky.  What’s horrifying is that that blacklists consensual, loving, gay marriage and leaves sexual abuse of children by priests as a gray area.


This, by the way, isn’t even the first time this year that K-Lo has asked somebody to tell her all about being married.  But remember:  she is an expert.

She asserts at the end of her piece that Michele Bachmann won’t teach the world about gay marriage because, you know, you all see what happened when Rick Santorum decided to talk sensibly about the issue.  [Another marriage hero to Sister K-Lo, I guess.]  Mean old gays turned his name into something gross!  In that spirit, I’d like to cosign the effort of Tintin at Sadly, No! to redefine the word “Bachmann.”