victoriaIf you have missed all of the wonderment that has been former SNL cast member Victoria Jackson over the past few days, please catch up, for she is doing it again, in her latest column:

Driving to the Atlanta airport, I thought about G, my lifelong college friend from Auburn. He drove with me cross country in my 1980 beat-up Toyota Starlet when I went to Hollywood to be an actress. He was the only person who believed in me. He knows all of my sins. I know a few of his. I always tell him I don’t believe he is “gay” – we went on a date once and even kissed. We wrote a screenplay together. He loves drama. I can picture him now laughing, “Victoria, what are you doing?! Your career! You’ll never work again in Hollywood! Oh, but Hollywood loves a scandal!” And, then the twinkle in his eye. I can see my best friend A, who I also tell is not “gay,” saying in his British accent, “Victoria, my shiny, shiny friend! I still love you!” and then the big hug!

I have a theory. Victoria Jackson is one of those women who was once in love with a gay man/many gay men, and has decided to cling to a very poor understanding of a very old book in order to make her feel superior/numb the pain of that rejection. It’s sad that she tells herself, and these men, that they are not gay, because, of course, they are. Anyway.

My cell rings. It is CNN. Oh boy. The liberal, left, propaganda channel! I’m sure this won’t be pleasant! At 5 p.m. I’m sitting in a studio at CNN’s Atlanta headquarters, looking into a monitor. I feel like I’m in the book “1984,” where the protagonist is being grilled and electrocuted when he answers the wrong way.

Victoria Jackson and Winston Smith: just alike.

The TV screen is showing the gay teenage kiss over and over and over. My dad limited my exposure to carnality during my youth – no TV and no PG or R movies. He said things you see stick in your head forever. He wanted me to have a virgin mind when I got married. Dad kept me innocent. That was his job. Maybe that is why I play “airheads” so well. I’m playing “innocence.”

I’d say it’s some sort of typecasting…

American children, with their blank slate, fertile minds anxious to learn and receive guidance and information, are being brainwashed by the secular-humanist media to be sexually promiscuous/ambiguous and anti-God. The innocence of an entire generation has been stolen. They will not know love letters, romance, purity or the blessings of following Jesus.

Yes, because people who have sex don’t write love letters or do romantic things.

It’s now 5:05 p.m. at the CNN interrogation room. In my ear contraption, I can’t tell when the blond lady is talking to America or when she is talking to me. There are all these noises, dings, zings, flashbacks, videos, her face, my face. I hear her shout, “Are you homophobic?!!” a couple times. Her eyes are full of hate.

Okay, so we’re still on the 1984 theme.  Since this was not the first time Victoria was in a teevee studio, I’m just going to go with the more obvious answer, that she’s lost it.

They support the Muslim agenda. However, Muslims kill homosexuals and behead women. When these pod people get confused, they shout, “Hate speech, bigot!”

And dang, she really is scared of them Muslims. Why do wingnuts actually believe that liberals support radical Islam? They always ask the clouds and the air around them things like “Don’t yew know Mooselems kill fags whah yew like them so much?!,” seemingly oblivious to the fact that the ridiculous nature of their question is exposed, within the question…

(The Huffington Post went so far as to say I “dislike sex”! Oh, do I? Ask my husband of 19 years!)

Ask her husband nothing, please.

Can’t one liberal stray from the pack and say, “Hey, Sarah Palin is the perfect feminist!” just to show they have a brain of their own?

No, because Sarah Palin is a moron, and decidedly not a feminist, thank you, moving on:

It’s like they all got a playbook to memorize, “Obama: good. Muslim: good. Christian: bad. Palin: dumb. Lesbian: good. Gay: normal. Climate change: man made. Capitalism: bad. Socialism: good. Beck: fear monger. Van Jones: never heard of him. Soros who? Bigot, hate speech, homophobe, border racist, tea-party racist. Black: good. White: bad. Latin: good. Oil: bad. Bank: bad. Rich: bad. Church: stupid. Guns: bad.” Whew! Got it!

Okay, now an actual liberal will do it:

Obama: Centrist, often annoying, panders to the Right way too much, but overall effective.
Muslim: One-a-them religions that’s got good people and bad people and in between people and whatever else, but that, as an atheist, I find preposterous, in general.
Christian: Same.
Palin: Dumb reality teevee star/job quitter.
Lesbian: Ladies who like ladies.
Climate change: Yes, man made, says science.
Capitalism: Effective when it’s strongly regulated in order to ensure fair play, etc.
Socialism: Also has some benefits, but you can swing too far in that direction, too. Hint: we are not there, or anywhere near there.
Beck: Crazed conspiracy theorist who makes a living off scaring the stupid.
Van Jones: Got screwed.
Soros: Not even sure what he looks like, but apparently he scares the panties off wingnuts, so I like him.
Bigots, hate speech, homophobes, teabaggers: bad.
Black: Is the color of my true love’s hair.
White: I AM THAT!
Latin: Dead language but helped me learn to talk good.
Oil: Yeah, our dependence on it really isn’t helping us out.
Bank: Where money lives.  Most of our large banks are pretty disgusting these days, though.
Rich: Can be good or bad, depending on the steward of the riches.
Church: For me, irrelevant, but to each his own.
Guns: I like ’em, but like all liberals who like guns, I support super gun control laws.

Dear Victoria: Every liberal you ask would have different answers to a lot of those questions.

When I walk through the cavernous lobby to leave CNN, I glance around and no one is smiling at me. They look away, or they look mean. Pod people. No minds of their own. Brainwashed.

Oh, the poor thing! She really thinks everybody’s out to get her! Of course, her cousin commented on Truth Wins Out the other day and mentioned that Victoria thinks that Barack Obama has her house bugged, so maybe it’s time for the media to stop giving her airtime [guilty, I know] and instead get someone close to her to gently suggest psychotherapy.

The black guard won’t validate my parking ticket. He doesn’t smile. It’s 1984. I am in the movie “1984.” I’m the only person left on earth who can think for herself. This is eerie.

It’s good that she let us know the guard was black.

Actors play murderers, robbers and gossips, but the gay lifestyle is always glorified. The other sins always seem to be punished or redeemed, but TV shows never show the downside to homosexuality: the loneliness, shame, broken families and marriages, diseases.

Yay, it’s the wingnut talking points, from people who don’t really know gay people, about loneliness and shame and all that crap. My lord. And these are things that don’t happen to straight people, ever.

The shame does not come from “society” but from God. So, even if the gays get everyone in the world to accept their behavior as “normal,” there will still be shame, because it goes against God.

Haha, you’re going to have to prove that asinine assertion, crazy pants.

I was asked to do a lesbian kiss in a show once, and I said no. But, I’m guilty of being part of a few movies that may have been a bad influence on young people. I’m very sorry to anyone I led away from God.

Victoria, you’re leading more people “away from God” every time you open your mouth than you’ll ever know. You’re really helping people make the connection between fundamentalist Christianity and utter lunacy.

The liberal media cannot understand how a Christian can love a homosexual and yet not condone their lifestyle.

That’s because you don’t. You have “fundamentalist Christian love,” which is selfish, prideful and arrogant. In short, it’s not love.

Anyway, that’s basically where the piece ends, just as disorganized and full of word salad as it started.  I really do hope this is performance art.