By “best ever,” I mean “most unintentionally hilarious,” of course.  So this piece from Tucker Carlson’s Daily Choler is moving around the internet today.  It was written by a former Tennessee DA [credentials!] named Joe Rehyansky, and he has a novel suggestion!  DADT should be repealed, but just for girls!

No, rilly:

If you are as bored as I am with the nearly 20 years of political blather about gays in the military, you’ve probably stopped reading already, assuming you started at all. But in all that I have read — before I stopped reading myself — and heard on the matter, I have never encountered my eminently sensible proposal, one that protects the patriotic urges of some homosexuals as well as the national interest on the basis of “force readiness” arguments which should govern the thinking of those charged with implementing the defense of our country: Lesbians should be allowed to serve, gay men (hereafter “gays”) should not.


Exceptions to every generalization I posit abound, but I don’t think I’m enlightening many of you when I assert that men by nature are more promiscuous than women. (You’ve noticed that, too, huh?) This is overwhelmingly true whether those men and women are straight or gay. Our instincts were designed by Parent Nature at a time when early humans were not the predators, but the prey, and our remote ancestors were still trying to avoid extinction and establish a permanent presence on this planet. It fell to men to swing through the trees and scour the caves in search of as many women as possible to subdue and impregnate — a tough job but someone had to do it. Women had to be more selective because, then as now, the principal consequences of copulation were theirs: pregnancy; childbirth; most of the responsibilities of childrearing whilst their baby-daddy hunter-gatherers were about hunting and gathering and finding other women to subdue; and the ruination of their pulchritudinous figures. How our ancient foremothers ever managed to establish any choice in the matter is utterly beyond me when one considers that they did not have access to Mace, police whistles, Lady Smith .38s, or domestic violence hotlines.

Do I sense a Those Were The Days ennui here?

The associations and lifestyles of gays encourage these opposing natural forces. Lesbians do not face the same pressures as straight women to “put out” for men. They therefore tend to develop long-term, monogamous, stable, and even permanent relationships.

And men never do that. Ed at Instaputz: “I do know with ironclad certainty that Joseph A. Rehyansky has never been to a lesbian bar.” Indeedy! Back to the moron:

Certainly they have their counterparts among gays, but they are rarer than hyperactive sloths. Homosexual men are not stymied by the instinctive — not to mention aggravating — caution and selectivity of most women. Most men who are sexually attracted to other men can and do indulge their promiscuous urges with little or no restraint; i.e., it’s “party time” all the time. My wife and I watched a sad documentary about AIDS a few years ago…

Oh, good lord.

The rest of the piece is a bunch of mangled statistics about STDs, a childlike lack of understanding of the fact that lots of gay men served and died in World War II, and then

Finally, most gays are not inclined toward military service, but many lesbians are, and it is an open secret that they do well in the calling, especially in medical and administrative specialties.

Dykes are just like all women, you see. They make good nurses/secretaries, etc.

Now back to that communal shower.

I had a feeling we’d get back there. We always do.

Now here is the funny part, and you will just have to take my word for this: The original piece ended with a line about how awesome it would be if the gay DUDES weren’t in the military, but the gay LADIES were, which would make it awesome for the STRAIGHT DUDES in the military, who would then have a chance to “convert” the lesbians back into the “mainstream.” Yes.

Tucker Carlson’s “editors” obviously had an “Oh, shit…” moment, which is to be expected when former Tennessee District Attorneys make thinly veiled corrective rape references.

Surely someone thought to get a screen cap…

[h/t Choire]