Y’all.  I just can’t…there are just some times when I read stories and I want to laugh and be snarky and have fun with them, but sometimes, the jokes are already written, and I can’t possibly add anything.  Here, let Bishop Eddie Long explain to you about God’s sperm, from a long ago sermon:

Bishop Eddie Long, his face glistening with sweat, paces onstage before his cheering congregation.

He’s preaching about the Bible, the role of a preacher, and “fresh sperm.”

“The word of God is potent. The word of God is His sperm,” Long thunders. “The job of the preacher is to bring fresh sperm and when he speaks it, the womb — the church — is to take it in and say, ‘Sho’ you’re right.’ “

The video of that sermon, delivered during the early days of Long’s ministry in the 1990s, has gone viral. And now it is being discussed in the context of four lawsuits that claim the 57-year-old Long used his spiritual authority to coerce four young men into sexual relationships with him.

Thank goodness it’s fresh sperm. I can’t imagine that God would…

Seriously, I can’t do this.

“The job of the preacher is to bring fresh sperm.”  It’s quite simple, really.  Covered in every credible divinity school and seminary.  Maybe you thought it was just a Catholic thing.  You were wrong.

In the same piece, CNN talks about one of Long’s books, from 1998, where he explains homosexuality:

“Two people of the same sex cannot reproduce in the physical natural realm, which is an outward manifestation of their inability to produce the fruit of righteousness in the spirit realm.”

In the same book, Long wrote that the devil convinces homosexuals that they have no control over their sexual orientation.

“Neither does God make a person to be a homosexual. Look at yourself naked in a mirror and see what God gave you. That’s who you are in God’s creation. Your parents … or someone else may have influenced you to engage in sexual behavior that was not godly, but God did not ordain that behavior for you.”

eddielongmirror1Please, look in the mirror at your body, like Eddie Long was doing in the picture at right.  Also, if you’re a dude, you probably should send Bishop Eddie a picture, just so he knows you’re following his orders.

Long’s explanation for why some men are gay, though, may appear puzzling.

He put some of the blame on women, in “I Don’t Want Delilah, I Need You!”

“In a society, where little boys are exposed to grubby, cursing, dirty, cigarette-smoking road construction worker women, is it any wonder they stop chasing women and start chasing men?”

Because dudes are just too damn pretty, aren’t they, Eddie?

I’m trying to report only fun/funny/happy news today, because it’s Friday. I think this counts.