I am beginning to think Bryan Fischer is an elaborate joke being played on the Christian Right by some hilarious gay/flock of gays somewhere, because he has such a special talent for being on the amoral side of every issue.  Maybe it’s just because conservative Christians are all teabaggers these days, and they have so little understanding of human common sense and compassion.  I don’t know, but this story, which has absolutely nothing to do with gay rights, is illustrative of the depraved mindset of Bryan Fischer and his handlers at the American Family Association.  A little background, in case you haven’t heard:  In Obion County, Tennessee, they’re trying the “Somalian libertarian paradise” plan, by requiring residents to pay a $75 fee in order to have fire protection.  If you don’t pay the fee and your house catches on fire, this is what happens:

In this rural section of Tennessee, Gene Cranick’s home caught on fire. As the Cranicks fled their home, their neighbors alerted the county’s firefighters, who soon arrived at the scene. Yet when the firefighters arrived, they refused to put out the fire, saying that the family failed to pay the annual subscription fee to the fire department. Because the county’s fire services for rural residences is based on household subscription fees, the firefighters, fully equipped to help the Cranicks, stood by and watched as the home burned to the ground:

Imagine your home catches fire but the local fire department won’t respond, then watches it burn. That’s exactly what happened to a local family tonight. A local neighborhood is furious after firefighters watched as an Obion County, Tennessee, home burned to the ground.

The homeowner, Gene Cranick, said he offered to pay whatever it would take for firefighters to put out the flames, but was told it was too late. They wouldn’t do anything to stop his house from burning. Each year, Obion County residents must pay $75 if they want fire protection from the city of South Fulton. But the Cranicks did not pay. The mayor said if homeowners don’t pay, they’re out of luck. […]

We asked the mayor of South Fulton if the chief could have made an exception. “Anybody that’s not in the city of South Fulton, it’s a service we offer, either they accept it or they don’t,” Mayor David Crocker said.

And as I mentioned, this teabagger set-up killed the Cranicks’ four pets: three dogs and a cat.

So, let’s look at what that paragon of Christian virtue, Bryan Fischer, has to say about it.  First, I’ll let Jack Stuef at Wonkette set it up for you:

Bryan Fischer at the American Family Association’s blog has heard about this situation with the family that didn’t pay their $75 annual fee to be rescued from dying in a house fire, and he has thankfully decided for us What Would Jesus Have Done. Jesus would have shown compassion, right? Haha, no, do you think Jesus was a fag or something? This post is, in all seriousness, entitled “Firefighters did the Christian thing in letting house burn to the ground.” Oh, right, of course.

By the way, you have to highlight the text to see any of this, because apparently the AFA doesn’t understand you shouldn’t put black text on a black background.

Yes, yes, you do have to highlight the text, and the morons at AFA still haven’t fixed it.

So here’s Bryan! He starts out doing some sort of weird chanting thing, a la something one might do in front of the mirror while spinning around:

The fire department did the right and Christian thing. The right thing, by the way, is also the Christian thing, because there can be no difference between the two. The right thing to do will always be the Christian thing to do, and the Christian thing to do will always be the right thing to do.

Right is Christian. Christian is right. Christian is Jesus. Jesus is Christian. Jesus is right Christian. Right Christian Jesus.

And then he stops because he has to poop.

So anyway, everything in the Bible is right, which as Stuef at Wonkette points out, means that everybody gets a slave now, because they’re okay in the Bible, and the right thing is always the Christian thing. Also: concubines. Seventy-two of them for each of you!

Oh lord, he’s still chanting into the mirror:

If I somehow think the right thing to do is not the Christian thing to do, then I am either confused about what is right or confused about Christianity, or both.


In this case, critics of the fire department are confused both about right and wrong and about Christianity. And it is because they have fallen prey to a weakened, feminized version of Christianity that is only about softer virtues such as compassion and not in any part about the muscular Christian virtues of individual responsibility and accountability.

Real Christianity have big penis and lots of muscles, not like girl parts!

We cannot make foolish choices and then get angry at others who will not bail us out when we get ourselves in a jam through our own folly. The same folks who are angry with the South Fulton fire department for not bailing out Mr. Cranick are furious with the federal government for bailing out Wall Street firms, insurance companies, banks, mortgage lenders, and car companies for making terrible decisions. What’s the difference?

Mr. Cranick made a decision – a decision to spend his $75 on something other than fire protection – and thereby was making a choice to accept the risk that goes with it. He had no moral, legal, ethical or Christian claim on the services of the fire department because of choices that he himself made.

Maybe he didn’t have the money, or maybe he forgot. Not seeing the justification for letting a family’s house burn down and kill puppies, but Bryan Fischer is going to explain why those puppies had to die.

Jesus once told a parable about 10 virgins attending a wedding feast, five of whom failed to replenish the oil in their lamps when they had the chance. The bridegroom came when they were out frantically searching for oil, and by the time they made it back to the party, the door was shut tight. The bridegroom – the Christ figure in the story – refused to open the door, saying “Truly, I say to you, I do not know you” (Matthew 25:13).

The critics of South Fulton thereby implicate themselves as accusers of Christ himself, making him out to be both cold and heartless. They may want to be careful about that.

If you have compassion for the Cranick family, you might as well be one of Christ’s accusers. Got it. Stuef points out here that the parable was about the coming of the Lord, but, you know, far be it from us to question Bryan Fischer’s interpretation of the Bible, or perhaps suggest he’s reading it upside down, like in that old Victor Borge bit.


Anyway, he writes a lot more on the topic, but it’s more of the same, and I’m tired of having to highlight the text in order to read it, so I’m done quoting and mocking.

I wonder how Bryan Fischer feels about the very reasonable proposition in Missouri to establish minimum standards for dog breeders to tackle their puppy mill problem, the one the teabaggers hate because “wherever there is an effort to eliminate cruelty and exploitation in the name of profit, you will always find conservatives right there to oppose it.”

He’s probably on the side of the puppy mills, if I had to venture a wild guess.