In a speech to the PepsiCo board of directors, Greg Quinlan, the queen of the “ex-gays,” began like this:

Ms. Indra Nooyi [PepsiCo chair], last year at this same event, you said that PepsiCo is “committed to diversity and inclusion without imposition of personal judgment.” So why does PepsiCo continue to fund organizations that hate ex-gays like me?

Oh, we thought you were “straight.”

As such, you’re protected under nondiscrimination regulations and free to live your Super Mega I-Can’t-Believe-It’s-Not-A-Homosexual life. Call us when an adult with a strong connection to reality and science declares “ex-gay” to be a legitimate sexual orientation.

The rest of the content of the speech is moot, but if you feel the need to read it, knock yourself out at Two Flags Over Folsom.