The healthcare reform package passed by the House of Representatives last night, now on its way to the President, is far from perfect. But it’s a huge first step, and it will make life better for millions of people. But the best thing about it (besides the free abortions on Sundays and the fact that I get to run my very own death panel) has been watching wingnuts grow more and more hysterical since yesterday, as the fact that they had lost sunk in, through the debates when the orange one they call “Boehner” just cold started screaming and crying on the House floor, and now in the aftermath. They’re losing it. And not only are they losing it, but they’re losing it over a bill which amounts to 30 million new customers for the private health insurance market, plus some fixes to that market so that they have to stop dropping cancer patients mid-treatment and stuff. (Oh, the communism, I know, I know, there there, Gay Wingnuts.)

So here’s Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association, a man whose own personal terror level is raised to “Boehner Orange” every time he sees his own shadow and/or steps on a crack, so you just know he’s gone full metal emo:

4:07 p.m., March 7, 2010: The moment we lost the United States of America

Ha ha ha ha ha, and that’s the headline.

Rep. Bart Stupak will go down in history as a man who will live in infamy. And March 7, 2010 will go down in history likewise as a day that will live in infamy.

It is a rare thing when a nation can point to one specific moment in time in which its tragic destiny was sealed. That moment came today at 4:07 Eastern time.

Stupak iz a baby killur, you see? The world that existed at 4:03, when Stupak was still trying to gavel his way around the wombs of ladies he’s never met, was all puppies and rainbows and NOT ABORTIONS, but at 4:07, um, I dunno, something? EVERYTHING CHANGED is the point. Y’all who don’t understand are just still living in a pre-4:07 mindset. Never forget!

For at 4:07 p.m. on March 10, 2010, Bart Stupak announced that his pro-life convictions had collapsed like a cheap tent in a slight breeze. As a result, the America we knew and loved is gone, gone, gone.

And Bryan’s America is the jilted lover, crying into her tear-stained granny panties, wondering how it all went wrong.

The government takeover of health care is now complete, and the American people will always have either a hopelessly weak or tragically naive Bart Stupak to thank. He went from being a pro-life hero to whom the unborn owed an un-repayable debt to a permanent, lifelong pro-abortion traitor in a nanosecond.

Oh my god, what happened? I was following the news yesterday and everything, and I missed the part where Nancy Pelosi and Barack Obama showed up having donned white coats that barely restrain their Socialist Schlongs of Doom, and just cold started abortin’ stuff? And I would hate to miss that! What channel was that, Bryan? Also, Today We Are All Permanent Lifelong Pro-Abortion Traitors In A Nanosecond. Pick up your badge at the Top Seekrit Death Panel Meeting.

So this is all about how Bryan is scared of Obama’s executive order about abortions, obviously. He claims:

Taxpayer funding for abortions is in the Senate bill, and it will become the law of the land the moment the president signs it.

Uh huh. Show me in the bill, Bryan. Oh, oh, oh, you don’t know where it is? I’ll give you an hour to Google. You’re not going to have luck with search strings like “socialist gay Kenya Obamunistolicious throat ramming bill.” (Well, you might have a certain kind of luck, if that’s what you’re looking for. That’s why I’m giving you an hour.)


An executive order cannot overturn a federal law. Otherwise, what would you need a Congress for?

I dunno, ask Dick and George, because they didn’t seem to use “Congress” very much when they were showing their codpieces to various nations in the Middle East.

Confirmation that this is a completely meaningless gesture on the president’s part is the deafening silence you are hearing from pro-abortion activists and organizations. They howled and moaned when Rep. Stupak huddled with Speaker Pelosi on Friday, for fear that some meaningful changes to the legislation were being cooked up.

But today’s announcement was greeted with a collective yawn from NARAL, Planned Parenthood and the like.

Yeah, well. That’s because the bill has been basically restored to its earliest position, which didn’t change current law, unlike Stupak’s original language, which decidedly did. Therefore we are not sympathetic, since it was Religious Right fetus fetishists who tried to use their manufactured outrage over nonexistent abortion provisions in the legistlation as a way to backdoor abortion restrictions without having to be honest about it. Sorry, Bryan.

Millions of additional unborn babies will now be hacked to pieces in coming years

I personally plan to have at least 10 abortions by next Tuesday, but millions? Hacked? Pieces? Have you found the bill online yet, Fischer? Do you need someone to read it aloud to you?

As Shakespeare observed

Oh god, the wingnut is quoting Shakespeare. I’m out, y’all, I’m out. I’m laughing a bit too hard to type.

As Thomas Jefferson famously observed, “OMG you guys, look at those wingnuts, just soiling panties everywhere! That’s some grade-A tinfoil hattery, it is! Now if you all don’t mind, I’m going to go put on my new knickers and see what’s shakin’ down in the slave quarters. Wolverines!”

ALSO: Kyle has a great round-up of other wingnuts going emo here. And of course, Amanda Marcotte has written about what actually happened with Stupak’s compromise, so you should read that too.