Ha ha ha.

So, this lady, Marylou Barry, wrote this awfully racist piece on Wing Nut Daily, an open letter to immigrants, where she lays down Marylou Barry’s rules for immigrant conduct. Yes, you read that right, because we live in a country where certain people think it’s appropriate to write open letters to brown people to teach them how to act right.

So, in her opening graf of rules and regulations, entitled “You cannot own people here,” she makes a hilarious concession to the side of equality and fairness. Everybody, pay attention to Marylou!

You cannot own people here. This includes domestic servants and family members. You cannot beat or mutilate your children. You cannot force, threaten, or sell them into arranged marriages. You cannot keep adult relatives from marrying the people they choose, getting jobs, or moving out of your house. You cannot hold your employees captive, beat or rape them, or refuse to pay agreed-upon wages. It took us 200 years to get rid of institutionalized slavery, and we are not about to reinstate it because one of your holy men thinks it’s acceptable behavior.

That’s right! No owning slaves or mutilating children or raping employees or any of that funny business, and dammit, adults have the right to marry the person they love!

Amen, Marylou!

Let’s have a look at what else Marylou wants to teach Muslims, I mean “immigrants”:

You cannot kill people here. Not your wife. Not your children. Not your grandchildren. Not people who question your honor or hurt your feelings. Not people who quit your religion. Not people of other faiths or ethnicities whom you regard as apes, pigs, monkeys, or dogs.

That’s right, no killin’! This Marylou is a common sense conservative! Killin’ is only okay if it’s the death penalty and we think you might have committed a crime, or maybe you just look funny.

You cannot take over our lawful institutions and subvert them to you own purposes. If you are a communist and want to overthrow our government, we don’t want you. We have enough of our own, so try Cuba or China. If you are a Nazi sympathizer we don’t want you either; a Middle Eastern country may be more to your liking anyway. If you are coming here to convert us to any ideology that abrogates our dignity or freedom, don’t even get off the plane. We don’t care what it says in your holy book; we are not here for you to colonize.

Aw hell, she just went off the rails. It takes a fierce commitment to perpetual wingnut terror to believe that we are threatened by hordes of Nazi or Communist sympathizers who are trying to colonize the United States. Let’s talk about marriage equality again.

You get only one wife. If that’s not enough, it’s called bigamy — and you would be subject to state laws regarding that particular felony. Some states also have laws against cohabitation, which is the legal definition of what you would be doing. Also, please note that the rest of us do not intend to support any surplus “spouses” with our tax money through entitlement programs.

Wait, what states enforce laws against cohabitation? Anyway, but there you go, you immigrant people. Marylou says you only get one spouse, but she does not apparently care whether your spouse is of the opposite sex or the same sex, because she is committed to EQUALITY.

Next up, Marylou has some words for Southern White Men:

A woman’s outfit or hairstyle does not “make” you rape her. Maybe your mommy never told you this, but keep your hands off other people. The vast majority of men in most cultures — America’s included — manage this successfully all the time. So if you find yourself standing in front of a judge someday explaining that you just “couldn’t” control yourself, don’t be too surprised if he doesn’t buy your story.

Oh, wait, she was still talking to the brown people? MY BAD! Anyway, she’s right. You can’t get all rapey and then blame it on what the woman was wearing. I think Marylou is a feminist, but she doesn’t know!

Still want to come here after knowing these things? As you may have heard, right now we are full up. If, however, someday we manage to elect a government with the intestinal fortitude to find and deport an estimated 10-20 million illegal intruders and overstayers, and if we determine that the loyalty and skills you have to offer could benefit our already great nation, then there might be a place for you here.

Oh, so that’s her angle. “Maybe if I tell the dark people a buncha stuff they don’t like, they’ll read it when they sign on to the computer and they won’t come here.” It’s funny, though, that she says that we’re “full.” I mean…there’s a whole swath of flyover country that’s pretty much devoid of people. And if we put all the Marylous in one of those states, like maybe Nebraska, then we’d have even more room!

Anyway, all of this is just to say, thank you Marylou Barry, for your obviously fervent support for marriage equality for LGBT people, even if they’re foreign. You might want to consult with Jesus about the racism, though. It’s sorta gross.