Now look, all you gays!You think I’m kidding? You must not know the current GOP Caucus. But yes, John Boehner and Eric Cantor sat the caucus down earlier today and basically told them that a guest is coming over tonight, and that they should be on their best behavior. Joe Wilson reportedly mumbled to himself with his hands down his pants, “I’m a gentleman.”

(Seriously. This is the state of 50% of our major political parties.)

So, we live-blog! I don’t know if we’ve done this in the past, but if y’all behave, maybe I’ll do it again.

Obama is supposedly planning to call for the repeal of DADT during the address. We shall see, shan’t we? Will it be timid? Will he merely “reiterate” his call from earlier and follow it up with no action?

8:58 Chris Matthews saying Obama is going to “reach out to Republicans again.” Yeah, that worked in 2009. So awesome.

9:00 Ticky-tocky-ticky-tocky, Obama you are late! Here comes sexy Peter Orzsag, though, the most eligible nerdy bachelor in Washington until like five minutes ago.

9:06 Madame Spee-kah! The President of the United…wait, the president is black?

9:08 Keith Olbermann: Is the SOTU our “sliver of monarchy”? Yes, just a sliver. People want “accounting” right now, though, says Chris Matthews! Want President to show his work, carry the two, etc.

9:09 YOU LIE! Olbermann says this is going to be over an hour long. If I drop out at some point, it’s for obvious reasons.

9:11 *moment of silence*

9:12 Ha ha just kidding. Finally talking. “Our constitution declares that once in a while I come in here and whip you people into shape, and the time has come again.” Something like that. History lesson, now. There have been times in our history when things were crappy, also, so you people, buck up.

9:13 The worst of the storm has passed! The devasatation remains!

9:14 Children write him letters asking when Mommy is going back to work. Santa delivery = Fail. He just said “Main Street.” Drink ’em if you got ’em.

9:15 Democrats and Republicans should work through our differences…YAY, because bipartisanship is totally something people care about.

9:17 He said Americans are “building cars.” Um, maybe they work for Toyota? Obama is hopeful for America’s future, people stand, clap clap clap, Joe Wilson sitting on his hands, probably. Time for Americans to get a government that “matches our decency.” Don’t we already have that?

9:18 Everybody hated the bank bailouts! It was like a root canal! Wasn’t popular, but was necessary to make sure Wall Street tycoons got their bonuses, etc.

9:20 Fee on the biggest banks, he proposed this. Wall Street doesn’t like it. Corporate Dems don’t like it. Republicans don’t like it. MUST BE A WINNER!

9:21 We cut taxes for everyone! Let’s do it some more! Because that’s what Republican presidents do! Wait. Haha, Obama just made John “Boner” Boehner laugh. Hardy har, let’s all be friends on Facebook.

9:22 2,000,000 are working who wouldn’t be if we hadn’t done the things we did. Republicans, um, did not clap? NICE VISUAL. Honest, though.

9:23 These Republicans may not like the recovery act, but why don’t you ask the people who benefited from it, huh?

9:24 He’s talking about stimulus packages like they’re a good thing, somehow. Maybe budget freezes are, um, bad?

9:25 Jobs bill. Nancy Pelosi’s lavender suit = boring. Joe Biden’s tutu = interesting! Let’s help small businesses. Is this the part about the spending freeze?

9:27 Take 30 billion that banks have repaid and give it to community banks to help small businesses. Republicans don’t like that one either. Ooh, they like the idea about eliminating capital gains taxes, though!

9:28 Put Americans to work on infrastructure right now. “Shovel-ready projects.” Did they put last year’s speech in his tellyPrompTUR? Time to get rid of tax breaks for companies that ship jobs overseas. Republicans grudgingly clap.

9:29 House, you were GOOD this year on the jobs bill! Senate, maybe you could learn something from the House!

9:30 We can’t afford another “expansion” like the fake expansion of the last decade. Ha ha, that was a burn at the Republicans.

9:33 “How long should we wait?” to fix America. CHINA and GERMANY aren’t waiting to fix themselves! You’re gonna take that from the Chinese Germans, America?

9:34 Matt Yglesias points out that the “not accepting 2nd place for America” thing is a repurposing of a Nixon framework.

9:36 Need to invest in energy, etc. “Nuclear Power Plants.” GOP loves it. DRILL BABY DRILL! Oh my god, Palin is a shapeshifter. Clean coal, which doesn’t exist. Oh, also, by the way, climate change bill, okay liberals, you can get up and clap now.

9:37 House passed climate bill last year! Wants to help pass a “bipartisan” bill in the Senate. Psh. Mentions the evidence for climate change and the cavemen on the right start grunting and flinging excrement.

9:38 Um, o hai, Republicans, clean energy will make the economy grow, duh. Good for business! We need to export more of our “products.” Ship Rush Limbaugh to Dominican Republic for good?

9:39 Allison Kilkenny: “New rule; Anyone that grumbled at the “overwhelming evidence on climate change” bit loses their seat., must leave country immediately.”

9:40 Best anti-poverty program is a world-class education.

9:41 Give tax credit for families for college, increase Pell Grants, maybe it would be awesome to not freeze education spending, I mean, I don’t know…

9:42 “No one should go broke because they chose to go to college.” WIN.

9:43 Halfway through, says Luke Russert. We still need health insurance reform, y’all.

9:44 Let’s clear some things up on HCR, he says: I didn’t do this because it was good politics, har har har. I did it because American healthcare sucks. (True. You going to let France continue to beat you, Republican pusswads?) Closer than ever to fixing healthcare. ZOOM IN ON OLYMPIA SNOWE FOR THE GUILT.

9:45 HCR will reduce costs, help people keep their doctors, according to CBO will bring down deficit by over a trillion dollars, and he reminds them that BOTH parties like the CBO. Complex issue, though! “I take my share of the blame” for the fact that ‘Murkans don’t understand which death panel to report to. Um…true, though. Most Americans have no clue what’s in the bills.

9:47 Everybody, look at the bills again!

9:48 Hey Republicans, if you have any ideas, you are totally free to share them!

9:50 In 2000, we had a surplus of $200 bn, now we have a deficit of eleventy gazillion dollars. Most of this was due to the Republicans with their wars. This is how I found the place, you guys. You broke it. John McCain does not think this is funny because FIVE AND HALF YEARS, ALAN.

9:51 If we had taken office during halfway decent times, but, THANKS REPUBLICANS, we didn’t. So I don’t want to hear about your whining and complaining.

9:52 Starting in 2011, freeze gvt spending for 3 years. UGH. Going to go through the budget, line by line, page by page. Look we already found like 7 quarters in the couch in the Lincoln bedroom!

9:54 Bipartisan budget commission! Because the GOP has been so helpful, so far! Senate blocked the bill to create the commission, so how you like these apples right now? Taste my executive order!

9:55 Obama now teaching the Republicans how budgeting works a year in advance. They are laughing, because they have never governed before, not really. Bob Cesca: 1937. 1937. 1937. 1937!

9:56 And another burn at the Republicans. Let’s try to do something new. Why don’t we try to fix things? And Republicans are actually just laughing at him. They have no respect for his office. Still, let’s try this bipartisanship thing again!

9:58 GOP very quiet about restrictions on lobbyists, especially in light of Supreme Court’s awful decision. OH SNAP pan in on the Supreme Court, just sitting there with egg on their faces. Stupid Roberts court.

9:59 Earmark reform! John McCain just woke up.

10:00 “None of these reforms will happen if we don’t learn how to play nicely together, so now we are going to do trustfalls! John Boehner, you catch Barney Frank! OKAY GO.”

10:01 Slams Republicans for blocking every bill, just because they can. Says he’s speaking to both parties, but that’s kind of like punishing the class because Mary Jo and Billy went to third base behind the second portable during recess.

10:02 Reminds Democrats that they have an eleventy seat majority in everything, so stop being pansies. HA! “If Republicans are going to insist that everything requires a supermajority, then you actually have to participate in governing.” SLAM!

10:04 We all love this country, committed to its defense, everybody’s TUFF, everybody gets picked first for dodgeball, so let’s protect USA. Zoom in on Janet Napolitano, because she is a dodgeball coach.

10:05 Talking about Afghan war. Oh right, that. Do you get the feeling that even Congress has moved on, emotionally, from our wars? All troops home from Iraq by end of his term.

10:07 I love that Al Franken is at the SOTU.

10:08 BTW, guys, when the soldiers come home, we have to support them then, too. Largest increase in Veteran’s investments in decades, which John McCain voted against. 21st century VA. Michelle & Jill Biden going to help military families.

10:09 Here comes the gay part! Wait, my bad, he’s talking about nuclear weapons. Nuclear weapons are gay?

10:11 Iran will face growing consequences! Everybody lazily claps. “We’ve gone from a bystander to a leader in the fight against climate change.”

10:12 We stand with Haiti and girls in Afghanistan and people marching in Iran and the man in Guinea, also.

10:13 I actually really like his approach in joint sessions. He’s eloquent, but he’s also conversational.

10:14 Civil Rights…GAYS! I will work with Congress to repeal DADT! Not quite an executive order to stop discharges, Mister President. HELLO? Oh my god, he just passed it.

10:15 There! Are you gays HAPPY now? I said you exist and should be able to fight in wars. I can haz donations from homosexuals again?

10:16 Lizz Winstead: The big national queer eyeroll is audible.

10:17 Now is the time where he talks all gently, like a sweet uncle, about how change is actually hard, and you all just need to lighten up and understand that sometimes governing is actually a job and not just a constant election cycle.

10:18 While he talks nice and sweet, it’s important to point out, again, that the DADT thing was just lip-service. No mention of stop-loss, nothing.

10:19 Spirit that has sustained America lives on in YOU. Me?

10:20 We don’t quit! I don’t quit! Goodbye!

And there you have it. Some good, some bad. Lip service on DADT. Spending freeze stupid. Burned the Republicans several times, even as he continued to use that lame word “bipartisanship.”

Maybe I’ll come back for the Republican response, if I’m a masochist. Here’s the “YOU LIE” moment of the night, via John Aravosis. The camera caught Samuel Alito mouthing “not true” when Obama slammed the SCOTUS Citizens United citizen. As John points out, they are not supposed to show any bias at all. They don’t clap. Nothing. What a failure.