Girl, Let Me Tell You...


Okay, so remember the other day when Brit Hume went inside the teevee box and started spreading the gospel to Tiger Woods? Then, the next day, I wrote a piece mocking it, because it was weird. Then Our Favorite Anti-Gay Warbler got mad at Wayne for writing that mean piece. (And really, Wayne, again, simmer down.) So then I responded with a second piece, which was less “mocking” and more of a deconstruction of the warbler’s warbling, in which I decided to help out with some pertinent Bible verses, quoting and analyzing them, rather than just hyperlinking them and assuming I had won the argument by saying something like “1 Corinthians 5:17, you guys, amirite?” And that’s where we left the story.

Well! Last night, what dingleberry did arrive in my Google Reader but a piece from the Warbler’s Consort J. Matt “Mittens” “Bam Bam” Barber on the very same Important Story! I was so surprised that Barber had had time to scribble out words on the subject, as his firm has been very busy saying “no comment” to reporters who call them and say “So really, y’all, where’s Lisa Miller? I mean, geez, people, there’s a child involved here.”* And really, I found Barber’s piece to be so mock-worthy that I was going to debut my version of my favorite style of literary criticism, the “line-by-line mockery.” This piece is worth it. Only the best for Mittens.**

So, I was all set to do that today, and fun would have been had by all, but then I noticed, deflated, that one of the greatest professionals in the field of line-by-line mockery, Scott Clevenger at World O’Crap, had already handily disposed of the piece, and not only that, he actually made two of the jokes I had already planned to make!***

So my debut in that field will have to wait until one of our wingnuts writes something of a high enough quality that it deserves more than a collective “Meh,” and honestly, their quality has been down lately. So I’ll leave you with the first bit of Scott’s piece, and then you all must click the clicky to read the rest, because it’s a classic:

You may remember J. Matt “Bam Bam” Barber ‚Äî and if so, my sympathies ‚Äî who first came to our attention in June, 2005, when he was martyred by his employer (scroll down to Allstate Persecutes Christian). Now, granted, he wasn’t nailed to a cross, immolated, wrapped in the skins of wild beasts and torn apart by dogs, or boiled in pitch, he was just fired for being assholier than thou, but it did make him a cause celebre in Right Wingtopia, and led to a stint as a Concerned Woman for America, and later, “Director of Cultural Affairs with Liberty Counsel and Associate Dean with the Liberty University School of Law,” an impressive-sounding position which seems to consist primarily of Matt acting shocked, shocked about the abundance of gay dudes in San Francisco.

Well, today Matt is reaching out to another man who’ been flayed, scourged, and murdered for his faith in Jesus: Brit Hume.

Scott, I bow to your greatness.

Read it all, as they say on the internet.

UPDATE: Oh, snap, Joe Jervis! If you read Barber’s screed, you’ll notice that he refers to Joe Jervis (of Joe.My.God) as a “sexual anarchist,” which seems to be a meaningless phrase Matt made up.**** But Joe asked the same question I asked about how Bam Bam has the free time to grunt out moronic screeds about Brit Hume, but yet his firm can’t be bothered to answer any questions about their fugitive client, Lisa Miller, but Joe asked it better:

Note To Matt Barber: Do you think you’ll be charged as a conspriracist to the illegal kidnapping of Isabella Jenkins? You’ve got no time to respond to multiple press inquiries about her whereabouts, but you’ve got time to read this here sexual anarchist website thingy? What are you afraid of Miss Barber?

That’s got to sting.

UPDATE DEUX: Oh, and one more thing. It seems that my entire point is backed up by one simple fact, namely, that the data shows that Buddhists are much less likely to cheat on their spouses than Christians are. So, apparently, if Tiger Woods wants to stop cheating, he’d be better served by getting a little more involved in his own Buddhist practice, rather than adopting a religion that, sadly, doesn’t seem to deliver in that department.

Q.E.D., all of you.

*I may be paraphrasing.

**No one puts Mittens in a corner.

***The thing about Olbermann, and the thing about the Buddhists. Great minds, Scott. Great minds, indeed.

**** It’s sort of like when wingnuts type screeds with their be-cheetoed fingers about “Islamofascism”: It’s a compound word that means nothing, but works in the wingnut world because it combines two things that make them wet their beds. Usually, they aren’t clear on the definition of at least one of the root words. In Barber’s case, I’m going to guess he doesn’t know the definition of “anarchy.”